4:05 am

4:05 am , in bed
uneasily shifting
myself.
Eyes, cringing
Lips, biting
Hands, clasping
Breath, gasping.
Loud voices in my head talk :
Solitude does strange things-
not the one where you are cut off
from the world
the one, where you stand alone
even in a crowd.
The heat is ever soaring
ever unceasing
until it reaches its climax
and im numb.
These creatures ,
at the back of my throat
use spears and poke and pierce
as if they were waiting for the Voice
to somehow let itself out.
Coughing like a dying soul
I grab the bottle in the dark
opening it, it spills on to me
my eyes, the hair on my shoulder and yes it couldn't escape my neck.
Eyes, that were shut so tight
Lips , that were clenched in fright
Hands, numb last night
and Breath awoke, with a continued fight.

There is this divine trilogy staring at me
My solitude
My soul
And I.
I stand in the middle,
feeling like I belong to neither sides.
I stand
And now I shall
Sit.

Wake up call

If your existence - is merely for sustenance. What are you really here for? Is there a calling? Ok, you say there is. But are you answering that call ? Not just hearing, but listening, absorbing , talking back to it, feeling the message and then after you hang up not forgetting it? Walking away, you don't even remember you got the Call. You like water just blend into whatever is around you and forget why you were Called...

What happens next seems like a haze. What you started with and where you have reached have nothing in common. In this sojourn you have met people, you have known people, you have absorbed energies, you have taken on a little of what they believe in, you've given some, you've repelled some, you've had exchanges of all sorts... But what have you given yourself? You keep expecting people to live up-to their word to you, not to let you down, not to cheat on you, not to turn their back on you, but all along you have done just that to yourself right? 

Sometimes when the night is quiet and you are sleeping in the dark, you still hear faint ringtone of your Call, but you intoxicated don't heed, you think you don't need. 

Everything after it has passed away, even the call stopped coming? You are out of the network or unreachable or so busy that it will not reach you...

You have been calling and chasing people who are busy trying to answer their call. You come in their way, you come in your own way. . .

Rejection isn't something you take so well, so why give yourself the first No?

You suddenly expect to still be able to get the call when you realize what you have been doing and not doing. There is nothing brilliant about claiming to be open to other narratives if you are not going to add your essence to it and then process it ...

And you can only have some essence if you are feeding your inner child, speaking to your call, doing what you truly believe in and what gives you joy unbound...

Doing things for others and then overdoing it in Love and expecting them to drop their call and chase you, you are bringing them down to this mere existence you  have been so comfortably stagnating in...

What is a failure ? To me it is not doing justice to yourself and your potential and your commitments, which then impacts everyday transactions and work and other people and their interactions with you too. 

Self-centered, Selfish , all these words which have the words Self are actually not even true if you are not going to know what this big fat Self wants. 

Making choices according to whatever fancy and interesting and challenging comes in the way... hmm... may work well just by chance and for a while, if you need to sustain it and be truly content... I am not so sure...

We are back again to the Call...

Patiently wait, give yourself some time. And not just in mere words this time. The soul inside you deserves to be heard, it is what actually makes you ~ You, well what you do with it does...

Failure is a good teacher, an eye opener... What you make of it, what shouldn't don't make of it ( self accusing-victimizing-wailing-complaining-giving up) ...

Wake up Call.

* This is purely self talk