Letting go, going, gone.

Its been some time since I sat myself down and talked to myself. Its been some time since I sat in a room alone and heard my own heart beat, felt  my pulses throb, let the emotions gush and over flow like waves on me. Engulf me , toss me around a bit, froth on my senses until I felt like I was drowning. Test my ability to save myself from me. Let me suddenly find myself thrown on the shores of knowing not knowing I was there. Baking in the sun , getting the Vitamin D( D for Destruction) into the body of awareness. Burning my flesh into a million little pieces, till all that is left is a bare naked truth. Stripped off of all knowing. The remains, the ashes from the chaos, are seeds. Seeds of creation. From my own destruction, waited to sprout. Sprout into something new. So is this letting go?

Its also been some time since I wanted nothing. Nothing from this world, 

Scatter

The heart beats

Beats faster than my thoughts

These thoughts are crimson

Crimson red

Red as her lips

Lips that kiss tired eyes

Eyes that have seen truth

Truth ripped apart and bare

Bare as that which trembles 

Trembles in the womb

The womb is a tomb

A tomb of dreams put to sleep

Sleeping with legs wide open

Open up and bloom

Bloom even in the cold winds

Winds of change

Change the heart beat

Beat is slower than now

Now is where we are

Are we really here?

/ The bearable darkness of Being /

I have seen much more, felt much more, been much more, in the sheer darkness which follows destruction. 
I have been born again and shed worn out wings in the darkness.
I have learnt to make love to questions in the darkness. 
I have held hands with pain in the darkness. 
I have looked fear in the eye in the darkness. 
I have circled around as a dervish and felt the power of union in the darkness.
I have drank blood (thinking it was water) in the darkness.
I have seen no mirrors in the darkness which has made me comfortable in my skin, in the darkness.
I am lost in the darkness.
I am found in the darkness.
I am everything in the darkness.
~ Ray

Written on 25th of August, Dubai.

Smoking Blues

I wish you knew

every breath of that white soldier you take

who stands by your hands 

waiting to carry you closer to his nation

and further away from you

I wish you knew

what Id do to be in his place

Gently being held by your fingers

Fiercely lighting me up, igniting.

Placing me at the perfect pout of your mouth

Sucking the life out of me

With your breath you turn me

into another form

Bit by bit,

you let me go

Bit by bit,

you let me flow...

~ Ray

Now he knows

Their nest

is his mad eyes

her unruly hair

Her strands of solace

feed into

his parched eyes

Bit by bit

they exchange

killing and creating

Fears of yesterday

cringe and give up

Death.

Wonders of tomorrow

erupt out of this unison

Creation.

Everything coming

in the way is crushed

Wine.

Little toes

tip-toe into each other

Dance.

Blind tongues run

after walls to find light

Explore.

Her thighs

on his lap 

Home.

His arms

around her

Home.

He leaves

wondering

what she would write of?

Now

he

Knows.

To Hyderabad

It's hard enough when you fall in love with souls that come and leave, it's harder when you love a city with a fervor you never knew you held under your breath waiting to burst into screams for its soul to show up so you can have one look into those eyes... But she won't come, she doesn't need to. You've been in her all along.

 I've blossomed in the lap of that city, amidst it's green hills and yellow suns, run in between summer, rain and winter.That city embraced me and became a mother. Now as I soon return, I may drift away... Cutting me off the divine umbilical chords with pain but always leaving a mark on my belly.. I will return because in you I have at last found home .

Silence

Does this silence, here and now take you to where we used to live ? 

Away from the world and the pain of being an organism with a heart left unused? 

Away from technology and the crutches of its dependence?

Away from the agreement for peace and into the 

Only way of love ?

Does the silence after the explosions of this storm 

take you anywhere ? 

To my Moonflower

And I will miss waking up and finding myself tangled in your curls for a change, been swimming in mine for far too long 

and then slipping into cotton fields where you are the white

And I the brown soil

The world asks in silent stares what is between us?

My smile tells them 

There is no room for anything in between 

There is only Us.

As I set out to fly away

You must know...

Ever fragrant when the moon shines, 

You are the moonflower

In our garden of love

Cause of chaos

You've successfully created a circle of chaos

and you are standing on the periphery

adding fuel to its viciousness

blowing secret ingredients into its momentum

you are there yet you are not colored

colored by the words flying around

the blackest blacks and the whitest whites

you still stand on the edge 

occasionally placing your pinky

in the movement

the creatures of your making

cringe

scream

laugh

judge

howl

cry

you still stand outside

with a sense of accomplishment

but you still can't tell

the noises from one another

you will never be able to

because you are still outside,

still the other

maybe a father,

but not the mother.

Wonder

Oh dear

I often wonder

what they mean when they say

'you are so well endowed ,

you must have been the Gods favorite'

I also wonder

what they mean when they say

'poor thing she is so little'

frail as an empty plastic tea cup 

fallen on the parched midnight pavement.

I wonder if the size of our breasts

are directly proportional to the men we will meet? ( if at all we want to even meet men!)

inversely proportional to the women we will be friends with?

They seem too needy dear and I just can't keep up with: 

chasing the hair off my knees

the sideburns on my cheeks

concealing the burnt marks of cigarettes and tears on my lips

the frizz in the hair 

the endless spots far from letting me be being tamil-brahmin-fair?

I wonder who set such moulds

I wonder why we should try to even fit

It isn't enough to just wonder

so I have most definitely stopped 

to

try

/ musings of a yatri /

These are facebook status updates on the go during my travels in Andhra Pradesh, India

/ poetry, won't you let me sleep? you burst into being and surround me as infants want their milk...now that you are conceived, I must feed you /

/ into this night, I blow away every memory of you hoping they would become one with the sand and hard to trace back to ever but when I walk back into the sandstorm they will come back and touch my ears and my toes and find their spaces back into me without me even knowing how / 

 / After a long night and a day of forgotten dreams as I returned back home, I saw you entangled in the dream catcher on my wall and I knew then who painted my dreams white and kissed my bruises purple and turned it to brown / 

/ oh night ! How do you paint me and turn me into the exact shade as you ? /

/ sinking into an abyss...becoming the abyss /

/ and this morning my nose was inspired. It ran like Bolt /

/ sometimes you dance in a known ignorance through the fire and look the silhouette smilingly in the eye hoping that the Light doesn't shine through and let the truth show itself / 

/ Barefeet, I can feel the breath of the earth and the fluid skies. They remind me, that just as them, I may be splashed across everywhere but still never too far from being a whole/

/ sitting in the dead of the night , body in shambles/ and a soul striving to put it's pieces together / I wonder what this journey is? I wonder where our Caravan lies hidden? / To be found by Us and taken into a dawn~New /

Rachamma speaks...

You are my dried flower petals, secretly pressed between the musty smelling pages of my being. Withering a little more, and smelling a little lesser of you and more of me ...

There is a beauty... In your secret smile, in your hands away from mine but just at the correct amount of distance, in your feet walking not beside mine but always close, in those eyes seeing without looking... In us just being without trying 

~ Being Rachamma in Hyderabad, 

Rachana / Ray ( a birthday gift by Soni )

Rachana / Ray

 Rachana

Was but a speck

A mood or a node

In the mind’s eye

Till desire gave way

To see me born

A short while,

A long wail

A beautiful picture.

I am here and yet . . .

 Ray

Today I write and wait

In the shadow of my words

For the clouds to merge

For the rain to pour

To wilt to nothing

Then the earth shall sow

Make love to my words

Their rhythms would conspire

My words would womb me

And I shall be born again

To write and wait

Me- 36 You 23 ~ ( written by a dear soul to me)

Me 36- You 23.

To meet under the shades of poetry

I chain my laughter to your brows

I steal your youth whilst you meet me

Me thirty six - you twenty three

Your mirror your world in words

I wage letters, trying to impress

They fall flat to your rhythms of honesty

Your head on my shoulders felt cold

My pages smart from jealous shame

I wish my spine would not wilt so

To write about butterflies, fighting reality  

To not know age, faith or passions neither

You thirty two - me sixty three

The weather changed, the words left me

I mocked your thoughts, you agreed

I attacked your vulnerability

I ran out to the world beyond

You, left behind in the shadow of words

Me sixteen - you twenty five

Many a chaos and curly locks i ran into

Many a lessons and letters exchanged

Alas! Hoping to find shades of you

In the words of those meant to not be

Me thirty six - you thirty

I drank life watching the waves recede

Not from the banks, but diving in

Finally drowned in the abyss of excess

The elixir of life was waiting in the pith

I drank you

In the shallows of the hallowed.

You thirty six – me twenty three

This is to Us...

this is to the beauty in our eyes - 

that many fear and many despise

this is to the mothers we love 

and sometimes hate

this is to us who forget

that it only a mother who has called upon pain

and embraced it as a pleasure

to get us into existence?

this is to the milk that flows through us

over valleys of love and into oceans ever receiving

this is to the many different thighs -

they all have a different tale to tell

this is to the solitude we always yearn for 

but the world needs a reason to approve for

this is to the demons we give birth to

and the angels that consume us

this is to the metaphors we are born into

and to the verbs we are limited to

this is to the locks we break

and the keys we never find

this is to the moulds we think we have to fit into

but know not that we can melt away,

we don't always to stay frozen.

this is to the fires we are made to walk in

but know not that we can vaporize away,

we don't always need to burn.

this is to all of us 

who don't yet know that an entire universe lies 

between these thighs

inside our eyes

flowing through the curls

gliding through the straight lines

this is to all of us

who haven't looked into another eyes 

and seen ourselves

this is to all of us

who have stopped being mirrors

because we are too tired being closed doors

this is to the blood we have shed

and raised children from

this is to ending the 'trying to be'

and beginning the just 'being'

this is

to 

us.

You are here.

And as you smiled me in the soul

Peeking and gushing through

The veils of pain I clad myself in

Rummaging through the ruins

Of my loveyard

You find me squirming in a corner

Your touch made me tremble

As a baby would when she arrives

Into the universe of today

Painted with pieces of the umbilical

And adorned with virgin blood...

You arrive,

I smile,

I breathe,

You are here.

You.

I miss your fingers
Tracing love on my skin
Looking for the moon
In my eyes
You sink
Deep
Into my ocean
Of
Chaos 

Shakti.

 and all these years you believed,
that he looked away because he couldn't stand
who you were and who you were becoming

and all those times you believed
he looked away because he despised
the smell of your skin which smelt of those who touched you
mind , body and soul

and all those times you believed
he walked away because he did not want
you in your essence and my element
you in your colors and and your palette

little did you know dear one
that he
could not fathom
could not muster
enough courage
to handle your radiance

You are as the sun
mighty and solitary

You are as the moon
giving hope to seekers
giving light to wanderers
you are
shakti /