Writing - an addiction

I have been on a writing high in the past two months. Like all highs, there will come a low at some point. Like what goes up must come down, eventually. I left my comfort zone of being around family and familiarity and moved again to a fairly new city on work. I have come here four days ago but have not been able to write a single poem or thought. Usually they start brewing in my head, but this time all I see is blank walls - no color, no light, no images, nothing. I wonder, maybe this too shall pass in a day. But it does not. It trickles into everything I do. This emptiness. It worries me. I try writing a few words, hoping maybe if I try they shall burst out of me again. To my dismay, it does not happen. 

Then I decide I will write about how I am unable to write. The words ‘writers block’ comes to my head and I quickly push them away because somehow I still am not convinced this is actually a block. I think this is something else. The universe has a hidden agenda and is testing me (as usual). So I do not give up. I give in. Give in to this feeling. This inability, this helplessness, this worry, this state of mind, this state of being. I question myself. Is this really emptiness? Or am I too full to contain anything else now? Is there nothing that seems like a muse anymore? Do I always need an external muse to write? Will I always need to wait on that highway for a stranger in a car to come along, jump in and take me where I want to go - into the arms of this high that writing is. What if no one came? Will I wait or will I keep walking. 

The tears are rolling down my face now. I do not want to feel so helpless. I fight it. I feel like something is choking me. I keep breathing deep. I dont stop staring at this screen and continue to let this flow. So it flows. I silence my self for a while. 

And this comes to me:

Everything exists in duality. Without the dark you would never feel the intensity that light brings. Without leaving home and wandering the streets in that wanderlust you would never really feel the beauty of a family and the love that binds those walls together. Without letting go of things, you would never be able to embrace things and hold them tight like you never want to let go. Just the same way, without a spell of not-writing I would never know with such intensity how integral writing is to me. I would never know I could feel so miserable and crave for words to come out. I have only ever craved for human beings this way. Never craved for something within me or the power to create. 

And the difference here is, when something you are looking for all around is inside of you - you will always find it. Maybe it will take time but you most definitely will source it , hunt it down, embrace it, make love to it, make magic with it.

Just like I did now. I thought I could not write. The words were hiding and waiting to be discovered. So even if it seems like you have lost your magic, don't give up. Don't run away from it in denial. The magic lurks around in the darkness. The magic knows when to reveal itself. The magic is seeking you. 

Ray Iyer

A gift in time

This piece of creation was gifted to me by a dear friend on my birthday a few years ago. This is a letter to her. Not just a letter in gratitude but with an intention of kindling a certain fire in her that I know when ignited will create magic.

Dear Bishakha,

The day you gifted me this neither of us realized the deeper significance behind this. This has been on my wall until now. I would wake up and stare at it sometimes. I never got around to ever knowing why you portrayed this and not something else. I still do not know what was in you when you birthed this. But it has evoked many different emotions in me and taught me some lessons too. 

When I saw it two years back, I thought you captured a soul hugging the stalk of a tree in the midst of a deep forest hiding her self away. Away from the world because she feared something. She yearned a certain freedom which she knew was within her but still some where out of her reach and hold. 

When I see it today, I see someone who is totally at peace with her nakedness (in every way ; mind soul, body and beyond) and seeks inspiration from nature to maintain her sanity. She is throwing her self and hugging nature in surrender and with love. Fears drop and there is so much more space for learning and expression. 

Every day as I wake up and stare at this, I know I have evolved because what I see in this beautiful image in front of me too is evolving with me. It has taken me so long to recognize this and even longer to share this with you. 

So NO, your act of creation was not futile. It has sown a seed in my life that has blossomed into a beautiful lesson and it will only continue to flower as life unfurls. I sincerely hope you never stop creating and realize that you have a wonderful gift within you. Use it well for yourself and the universe.

Love,
Ray 

Infinity calling

My element has always been Fire. That sheer restlessness and need to constantly be on the move. Watch as things catch fire and crackle and crumble. But the ocean has been calling me. The sun is no longer something I want to protect myself from. I want to soak in the rays of the sun. Let it seep through every pore of my being. The ocean is calling me fiercely and I give in.I watch the gentle waves kiss the shores. I observe the ocean from a distance first. Her grace manifesting in the birds flowing onto the waves , the reflection of the sun in her body and the sounds of the infinite waves touching the shore together. 

I am no longer able to be just an observer. I want to be the experience. I walk up and slowly start letting myself into her arms. The water is sun kissed- warm. The sands are soft beneath the soles of my feet. I somehow cannot get my eyes off the sun as I start to use my body to carry me forward into her. Getting deeper, I find the darkness of the water increase. Darker shade of green. I cannot see too much but I know my feet have well lost their grounding. As I swim towards the sun, I do not want to stop. The sun radiates its energy into the horizon and I am certain every wave that is born from there carries this radiance all the way to where I am. Touching my body. This energy is different. It is not the same as sitting on the sands and soaking up. What I feel is the power of the sun and the ocean together. Some madness that makes me want to not stop. Some force that does not let me fear the depths of the ocean. 

As I become the experience , I am taken over. I reach far enough to not recognize faces on the shore anymore. I throw my hands back and feet up and look at the sky. Shut my eyes. I can hear the ocean. I am suddenly overwhelmed at the life the creatures in the ocean must have. As I open my eyes and look around me. Unable to fathom the depths of the ocean I realize what infinity could be. I am but a spec in this vastness. Insignificant. Finite. 

As I breathe in the smell of the ocean, I feel like I have taken in a small part of this infinity. As I waddle around the water, trying to belong here, trying to make myself comfortable - I know that it is going to take time. Every thing that is part of this infinity is infinite in itself first. The sun, the moon, the ocean, the living world beneath. 

Immersing myself in the ocean, I can feel my water element take over the fire. Slow and steady. 

I will keep coming come back. Closer to this infinity. Until I am one with it. Completely.

~ Ray