I am 'vulnerable' and I know it

I was told to write on 'vulnerability' for my sisters blog. When I thought of how to start this article, I decided to look up what this word 'vulnerable' actually means. My macbook dictionary says this:

Vulnerable: 

adjective: susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm

It is quite true that when one thinks of being vulnerable it implies a negative connotation and warns us to somehow  be in a position to defend, build walls, protect ourselves. Off late I have felt differently about this. 

   

Being 'vulnerable' is... 

• Stripping your 'self' naked and being able to look in the mirror 

I finally decided to look in the mirror. This is something I never did for a long time. With the help of a certain soul that showed me a mirror and said I am looking for peace in all the wrong places - I started peeling layers of yesterday's- hidden feelings, notions, habits, patterns and found that all of them had a link to a certain something I was doing today. I was able to clearly see the link and realized that a lot of it were things I had just accepted without changing even if they were not very conducive to a peaceful state of being. I cut away from a lot of human contact, started off on a detox for my body and focussed only on all things important for me. I could feel like I saw myself clearly. 

• First aid to fresh wounds and making peace with the scars

There were fresh wounds bleeding. There were also scars from old wounds. I realized, some scars were well hidden but some I flaunted quite proudly. The ones I flaunted were often in defense for experiences that had made me who I was today. They were my ticket to behaving a certain way and blaming it on the scars. They were my 'yes thats what made me be this way' when confronted about negative attitudes. The recent wounds were still bleeding and bothered me. They kept me awake at night and made me want to hide and sleep in the day. I would hide them from some people by using layers of sweaters but in the confines of my room I would let it out. Merely acknowledging they were there did not do much. They needed to be attended to and fixed. I thus started using various techniques that worked for me - writing, yoga, dancing, meditation, chanting (a very recent development after years of resistance). I surrendered myself to the whatever seemed to work well and they took care of me slowly. It is important I believe to tend to these before they get deeper and leave those scars. 

• Healing ~ body, mind, soul

This is a process that only gets better the more you let yourself go. This comes with realizing that in essence even though one, we need to look after our mind and body and pay attention to them. The body process started for me with watching my food habits and feeling the impacts it had on me. I felt healthy and my thoughts seemed so clear and not clouded. So it is true that they interact together to form the experience of our Being. The soul ...I can't explain it but it is that feeling when something inside you swells up when you feed it with more of things that come true to your nature. The more I pay attention to my body, thoughts in the mind and doing things that I feel instinctively beautiful about, I feel like I am healing. Vulnerable, but still healing slow. 

• Movement~ Wandering the universe with this 'self'

Now you are ready to step out and dive into the ocean. As a traveler, you wander. You don't stay anywhere too long. You move. Move slowly and meet souls that you can inspire or be inspired from. Once I accepted myself for all my madness, I realized I did not have to try to fit in anywhere. My ability to turn my vulnerability into my asset gives out vibes into the universe that other receptive souls could feel and acceptance came all too naturally. I have also realized that what I emit I am attracting. I am able to see the 'vulnerability' in others and be at peace with that too. I also realize that I have dropped the need to try to fit in anywhere. Not in a rebel-in-your-face-way, but in a 'I-am-my-own-home' so I am protected way. 

• Pain turning into poetry

I do not want to become super woman and be too strong that I cannot be broken again. I value my wounds and scars too much to ever want to stop hurting. I want to be hurt because every time I am hurt, I am much more vulnerable but much deeper in touch with that me inside which can only be reached with a lot of blood and tear shed. I am in control of everything that I let happen to me and what I make of it ~ the pain and the poetry I turn it into and wear on me proudly as a pretty scar. The poetry I make from that space of being comfortably vulnerable is what I am able to share with everyone else in this universe and hopefully inspire in some way. 

Re-defining  Vulnerable: 

adjective: susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm and being at peace with it because you realize you are in control of what to make of it

~ Ray Iyer

Written on March 25th 2014