About time

When two people meet and put their best act together, their best smiles, the best smell, best touch, best thoughts, best ideas... It usually takes a while before you are ready to be natural and yourself - do things u love, be around people who mean a lot to you, do things that give you joy... All that , and being loved while you do all that.

Another fight. Another night. 

Because one could not control the mind and another wanted to control it so bad on his own. 

One was herself, skin and bones, in a vulnerable state. 

The other had walls, facades and most of all found it difficult to merge.

Merge with her. He could not fathom to what extent she could go to getting what she wanted.

He could not believe that maybe there does exist some one who can bring so much joy and pain at the same time. 

He thought she was uncontrollable, obnoxiously in his face about everything and too pushy.

Even being oneself leads to such situations...

If stripping oneself in front of the Lover, completely...exposing fears, pain, misery... and everything that you need to complete the journey to becoming truer to yourself...

If doing all that can cost you your life, can cost you to be disembarked on a journey, can cost you to be stranded, can cost you rejection, can cost you shame, can cost you being judged  by the thousand eyes who know nothing and care less about you, can cost you your sanity , your sanctity, your peace...

Is it worth it?

How easy it is to label some one a misfit with an unsound mind, with an unclear head ? 

It sure is easier than trying to understand them.

It sure is easier to call them psychotic and deem them unfit to be part of your life .

It is much much much easier to do all of the above than...

Embracing diversity.

Embracing multiple truths.

Embracing the fact that everyone has a way to express or not to express.

Embracing their intent behind how they are.

Embracing them in essence, in their essence.

Merely embracing a body without embracing the soul,

Merely making love without actually becoming One with the soul,

Merely being there in sunny days and shutting the doors on them in rainy days,

Merely holding hands and scaling up the mountain of togetherness and letting the hands go in distress

expecting it to find its own way back, expecting it to behave to the norm, expecting it to fit into the moulds that the damn system has set for normality and abnormality...

You don't know how many such souls you have left and shut and cut out of your life with your shallow attempts to know some one. 

Then again, time will tell. If we , on the otherside - The Black Sheep are better off not grazing pastures which have already been eaten up by those scavengers... the scavengers who haven't and probably never will feel the purity in your thought and innocence in your eyes...

Are we ready to starve?

Are we ready to struggle to quench these thirsts?

W's

What do you hide behind Oh child? You have erred but you have learnt.

What do you fear so much that you have built these walls of steel around yourself? I still see you peek through them through a hole.

Why do you blame yourself for the happenings that would have eventually happened someday anyway? There is the universe at play don't you see?

What happens to you when you see the happiness on his face? You forget that you too have a soul that needs to be cajoled because it has bled a thousand rivers of blood.

Where do you stand when the nights are grey and the storm has announced its arrival? You stand nowhere, you float.

Where then are you during the Storm? You shelter but are never sheltered.

When was the last time you looked in the mirror? You run away from it.

Why do you not see even with eyes wide open ? You see not what is beneath your wings.

Why do you love him? You stare back with a blank face.

Why does he not see through you and feel your insides? Remove that facade and strip your soul. Give him a chance to

...

She Is

She.
Is.
Delicate
as a teardrop
Falling
Slowly
into
Me.
Overwhelmed
I
Crawl,
Gliding
through
Her
skin.
She.
Is.
Gentle.
Kohl-rimmed
Eyes
pierce,
through
Me.
Sweet
Surrender.
She
Knows
Not
Fears
I
fight.
Fight
to
let
Her
In.
Walls
crumble
and
I
know
there
can
Never
be
anything
more
Beautiful
than her
to
Me.
She.
Is.
~ Written on 29th of January

Being

Trembling. These hands are shaky but they haven't succumbed to the fear. The memories of actions are carved on these rough, queer hands. Lines only darken with time.
Shivering. The breath is heavy and inconsistent. Bouts , gaps of oxygen and smoke being inhaled.
Scattered. The mind gallops away like a horse that has lost its direction swallowed by a rage it cannot fathom.
This Being, is afraid of her own reflection in the mirror. 'Stop! Stop bringing it any closer' she screams out loud but an invisible hand drags the mirror closer. All these years have been gone in misconceptions that she is in control. The mirage of her Being being in control has disappeared.
She cannot write anymore. Something that was easier than breathing and the reason for her survival is witnessing a downfall.

Pain - seen it , felt it, smelt it, dealt it. She cries like a baby, flies as a bird , she gets shot down. Who is this enemy ?

What is real? Nothing is. Nothing was. Nothing will be. Glimpses of broken promises, guilty pleasures , lack of restraint, inability to make a choice in her own favor ~ these glimpses ~ do not leave. They hide in the sun, they lurk in the dark. Come prowling. Come howling. Come growling. Come mocking. Come uninvited. They know they are part of her. They know how indispensable they are to her. They know they complete her.

Hypocrisy. Contradictions. Everywhere. Everyone.

Everyone comes easy enough through the cracks in the wall when they feel drawn to her Being. Oh they leave just as easily when they start to see the shadows of pain all around her. How hard she has tried to hide them, conceal them, pretend they didnt exist. How hard she has tried to befriend them.

The body is deceiving. Its physical form is a trap. None of them could look beyond it. Beyond it her being lies, waiting. Awaiting a change. Deteriorating , Crumbling , her insides scream out for them to stop. They all seem alien to her. They all are there for all the wrong reasons in all the right seasons.

Walking. These legs dont know where to go. For a while she thought she was asleep. Lying inert inside a dream. A chilly breath wakes her up, shakes her up. Drags her to the mirror again. She resists, she cannot open her eyes. The breath gets inside her, crushes her lungs, chokes her. She tries to silence the fear within in. Crimson now, her eyes open. The bloody tears they fall and she sees. Herself.

Awaken. Giving herself up to her reflection.

True to his name

He came into her life unannounced. She took him in as one would let a stranger in on a stormy night for shelter. For a brief moments only silence spoke. Names were not exchanged verbally. He whispered it into the warm air of the room. Giving him something warm to wear they sat by the fire. When his eyes were set on her , she looked away. When her eyes caught his being, he was fixated on the fire. Oblivious to the happenings of the world outside, what transpired between them happened too soon, or so it seemed now. Every night he was lost in the woods, he would some how end up at the door of her house.

| Fast forward to Now |

I have skipped the good times, the convenient times, the conditional times, the pleasant times, the unpredictable times. She knows why. He knows why.
It seemed like he was a messenger of the storm itself. He brought it in with as much ease as he came into her house. Causing turbulence with his erratic, erroneous, eccentric and eclipsed behavior. Where would she go now?

She sat. Sat and thought to herself about what was becoming of her. It seemed like aeons of time had swept her away and the only thing she could feel was him. He had set ablaze a fire in the forest of her life and left.
He came back only to make sure she was still burning. Her infinite being would take infinity to burn.

True to his name. He came, he saw , he conquered, he etched and his remains still remains.

To No One

Sitting Alone
In the dead of tonight
My bones they give way
My blood it boils
My breath fastens
My flesh burns

These shooters of anxiety and pain
Don't leave me,
They are not You.
Unfathomable is this holocaust
Unforgiven Me
Unsane I grasp for breath
Unseen I float
Unfelt I linger
Unknown I Am.

To- No One

Sun Rise. . .

The night was turbulent due to an inner upheaval of emotions and confusions which led to an unannounced storm. Flashbacks of sleepless nights, eyes red with the fury of happenings around, throat dry after an ordeal of howls and the head clouded with mists of pain which were waiting to burst out as tears and flood my being. The feeling of helplessness kept knock knocking on my door. Waiting to be let in, it wanted to take over me. I peeped through the key hole and realized this time it had not come alone. Doubt and confusion at their best had accompanied. In retrospect letting them in seemed easier. Much much easier. Why? Because the state of despair I was used to these friends. It was almost as if they knew they would be welcomed with arms wide open. But something just let me stop. I turned my back after running to the door and started to walk inward. In ward into my home, inward to where I thought I did belong. They were screaming at me. They were begging to let them in as the storm was not only inside my home but outside too. They wanted solace. They wanted a part of me. I was their only means to survival.
Something just told me not to give in. Something just told me not to give up. . .


Awake all night , I welcomed the rising sun with tired eyes and parched lips. Quenching my thirst with some water I decided to finally open the door. With a little apprehension and much fear, I opened the door. The silence I was looking for was marred by the cock-a-doodle-doo's. I put on my socks ( different one on each foot) and shoes and left with music playing inside my ears. As I walked and walked, I saw a woman of around 65 stare at me. She smiled and I smiled back. The music so loud did not let me hear what she greeted me with, but I took my headphones off to ask. She spoke of how when she was my age she could also walk so brisk like me. She said her legs do not allow her to walk too much now. I continued by walk. As I kept passing her by, she kept speaking a little to me. She spoke of the importance of yoga and how I should try it out along with walking. I learnt a lesson from her. I could imagine myself her age, some time in the future. I realized the importance of the time in hand now. As cliche as this may sound, I really do feel like there is so much to learn and do and grow with at this point in my life. As the music went on in my ears and the tempo increased, the speed of my feet increased and my thoughts started to reduce. I started to feel like I was floating.


I am home now and while I write this, I still worry. Worry where my friends who have always been my companions at times of hardship have gone. This sun rise is special. This sun rise marks a new beginning to an end I hope I muster enough courage to bid adieu to...