To No One

Sitting Alone
In the dead of tonight
My bones they give way
My blood it boils
My breath fastens
My flesh burns

These shooters of anxiety and pain
Don't leave me,
They are not You.
Unfathomable is this holocaust
Unforgiven Me
Unsane I grasp for breath
Unseen I float
Unfelt I linger
Unknown I Am.

To- No One

Sun Rise. . .

The night was turbulent due to an inner upheaval of emotions and confusions which led to an unannounced storm. Flashbacks of sleepless nights, eyes red with the fury of happenings around, throat dry after an ordeal of howls and the head clouded with mists of pain which were waiting to burst out as tears and flood my being. The feeling of helplessness kept knock knocking on my door. Waiting to be let in, it wanted to take over me. I peeped through the key hole and realized this time it had not come alone. Doubt and confusion at their best had accompanied. In retrospect letting them in seemed easier. Much much easier. Why? Because the state of despair I was used to these friends. It was almost as if they knew they would be welcomed with arms wide open. But something just let me stop. I turned my back after running to the door and started to walk inward. In ward into my home, inward to where I thought I did belong. They were screaming at me. They were begging to let them in as the storm was not only inside my home but outside too. They wanted solace. They wanted a part of me. I was their only means to survival.
Something just told me not to give in. Something just told me not to give up. . .


Awake all night , I welcomed the rising sun with tired eyes and parched lips. Quenching my thirst with some water I decided to finally open the door. With a little apprehension and much fear, I opened the door. The silence I was looking for was marred by the cock-a-doodle-doo's. I put on my socks ( different one on each foot) and shoes and left with music playing inside my ears. As I walked and walked, I saw a woman of around 65 stare at me. She smiled and I smiled back. The music so loud did not let me hear what she greeted me with, but I took my headphones off to ask. She spoke of how when she was my age she could also walk so brisk like me. She said her legs do not allow her to walk too much now. I continued by walk. As I kept passing her by, she kept speaking a little to me. She spoke of the importance of yoga and how I should try it out along with walking. I learnt a lesson from her. I could imagine myself her age, some time in the future. I realized the importance of the time in hand now. As cliche as this may sound, I really do feel like there is so much to learn and do and grow with at this point in my life. As the music went on in my ears and the tempo increased, the speed of my feet increased and my thoughts started to reduce. I started to feel like I was floating.


I am home now and while I write this, I still worry. Worry where my friends who have always been my companions at times of hardship have gone. This sun rise is special. This sun rise marks a new beginning to an end I hope I muster enough courage to bid adieu to...

Know me. . .

I thought of starting this with an accusatory tone to show you how you know nothing of me. Nothing of who I was, who I am and who I am becoming, and who I am not. But it suddenly hit me that the reason you may not know is because I did not let you know because I did not show because maybe I do not know? I don't know if these are facade's or if they are an aberration from the reality that I have painted in the colors black and white to you. Cleverly forgetting to show you that all i am is what you will get when you mix the two.
That is where I have grown into residing. I have known myself in the Unknown. With a mind so powerful that my own being cannot stand what it is radiating anymore, it burns. Why am i so unconceivable to myself? Why have I started to know me through you? Through your presence. Through your absence. Through the blind spot that I am waiting at in your life.

Again, I have started to accuse you. Again. I do not know who to blame for what I have become. A disintegration of a Being. Scattered and existing in pieces. Bit by bit I crumble everyday, forgetting how I used to be or looked. Why are you with me? What have you seen that is still keeping you here? What have you felt? How do you even know I exist , because I fail to know anymore.

Cajoling me you came through as some piece of mystery I thought would add the fuel to living that I always seek for.Playing with these bonds so beautiful. Tying me down, tying us down.

You carve from your own self a figure of me that fits into your mind's embrace...

Do you know the storms within me that change the course of who I am with every time they arrive?

I have been so comfortable in this space of Ignorance but now it is talking to me. Calling out to me to know of it. I know now but I do not know how. . .how to handle this or how to be faithful to myself and to who you think i am. . .

Without adding to the chaos, I just hope some day you Know. Know it all.

Where We live is a dimly lit house with only walls and no door, giving no way to reach out to our mortal mind.

That my whole world is but the lonely Ray of the sun. Seeking solace in the moons shadows.

Lighthouse

Strife, difference of opinion, prejudices that thrive between us on parallel lines, walls of stone and creepers with pointed thorns so sharp they could make you bleed. Find me a place they don’t exist. Find me some interaction they don’t cast their shadows on. I cannot help but laugh at them sometimes. The divide in cause in our existence is etched, as it could never be undone. Insoluble questions come jaunting into my mind. They crash as waves in a high tide sometimes. Sometime they come as a stroke with a gentle touch. Even though I emit Light, there is certain darkness inside my depths that only I know of. I ruminate out aloud. That is all I can do? Running the dull errands of everyday living, there is still somehow enough time for these type of thoughts to come pay visit. I sometimes wonder if brilliance comes with being fundamentally unsound. There must be a simpler way, some far from laborious way through this all. I stand tall. I feel the birds perch on my deck, I know they wonder of who gives me the much required companionship when all is dark and all is silent. This ocean with me is the only teacher I really have. Well, you must ask if she considers me a disciple but I’d rather you don’t. I sometimes wonder if the ocean is in me or I am in the ocean . . .

(To be contd.)

When we become One...

When we become One...

Dedicated to Kisses.

Our souls climb into comfortable planes

The breadths at which they merge can be our home.

Venus came to quench her thirst

And drank from our pure depths.

Immutable in rhythm and joy

We drift in ecstasy.

As I see into you and you see into me

Our Eyes reflect.

Reflect a happiness of whispered truths.

24th of August 2011

Awaken: From a sister to another

Today I will resist Temptation.
The Temptation to quote.
The Temptation to reproduce.
The Temptation to borrow.

Because today I will give you the stark naked truth of our lives that I have been meaning to let you into for a little lazy time now. . .

It is an epiphany... that struck me... Not as a bold lightning , not as an electric current passing through the existence of the helpless , not as the iron of a blacksmith will strike , not as a sword will at the hour of surrender....
This has struck me as an accumulation of droplets turned into an ocean over the years and finally washing my ignorance away with waves of truth. . .
My life - in retrospect has been a prolonged cold spell where warmth was a much coaxed visitor. I have come to realize that I was being  unaware to what was behind the curtain, on the outside of the tall glass windows.
The awry room of my lifehouse seems more real and coming to life as I write this. I can hear voices. Voices that amplify and turn into sounds which neither feel good nor bad. This neutral state was a veil. A veil concealing Chaos. When I was present in the room , I was comfortable with it's arrangement. As I stepped out and got back, things seemed different .Chaos. As if it were a room of a doll house and the hand of the child had slowly inserted itself thru the ceiling and knocked everything down either in sheer ill temper or by the impulse of her mother's repeated shouting of her name signalling to retire to bed and call it a night.

I continued . Continued to let this chaos remain , to such an extent that I no longer thought it odd.
Comfortably numb.

As seasons came and went by and revisted , occasionally I would hear knocks on the window. Oh! Before you wonder why not the door.... there was no door.
I never felt the need for one....so , the window...soon the attempts from the other side to reach me , faded away as a voice of chaos in the background. . .
There I was .

What seemed like just another day turned out to be different.
A strong feeling came upon me . Without any effort I was drawn toward the window. I was led and was being taken, was finally shown. . .

The memory of this journey is what has dawned on me today.
The journey from my bed to the wondow . The window that opened into . . .
I was changing .

 The restlessness, thirst and hunger that had been with me all my life, that had unmistably danced through my being........My rage of protest (against what and who?)  was crumbling.....
What happened next , was You .

Written in the book named " Memoirs " by Lakshmi Raman
A dedication to her , for being my Angel in Silence

Love you Laku.

Storms

Churning
Winds of change
Raging
Sweep through life's range.

Touching
Waves of her existence
Gently
But with a firm persistence.

Brewing
with a  fervor
Violent yet Alive
reincarnating Her.

Desire,
Its Glory
unsatisfied
writing her story.

Lucent,
her Spirit
flickering in the storm
with might and grit.

Sentience,
Waging
A war with the Mind
that is Losing.

Clambering
she does resurface
in a state of Being and not Being
floating in a steady pace.

Musing
with Eyes,
Fixated on the Light
hidden in grey skies.

Realizing
the Timelessness
of Storms
Sinking in. . . Awareness